Let me just preface this by saying, that I had no intention of doing Halloween this year. IN FACT. I had planned on watching dogs and staying in all weekend. But there is this itching hallo-queen inside of me who can’t deny a good costume party. Not to mention I have intense FOMO. (Fear of missing out...for you oldies.) And all my friends had tickets to the Halloween party at the McNay Art Museum. So naturally, I couldn't be the only one not going! FOMO.COM/YOUBETTERBUYYOURTICKETRIGHTNOW. I actually bought my ticket towards the end of paycheck, so I had to live off of 5$ the rest of the week. BUT it all became worth it.

HAIRILYN MONROE - APPLE WATCH (326$)

Initially, my idea was to be a bearded lady. I had been watching American Horror Story Freakshow and I wanted to do this circus freak bearded lady, but fate would have it change when I found this perfect red dress. It fit so wonderfully. And immediately I knew I would be sleeping with JFK this Halloween. So I got the wig, set the makeup appointment and borrowed my sister’s wedding jewelry (Thanks Brit for the Loan)

Now let’s talk about becoming a woman...The only thing I could make of this act is a list of reason why women are known to be Damsels in Distress.

5 Reason Why Women (Sometimes) Have Trouble Functioning.

1. YOU CANT DO SHIT IN NAILS - I made the mistake of putting my nails on early in the day. My reasoning was if they fell off then I could reapply. WELL all it did was make me useless. Do you know how hard it is to unbutton your pants with nails? I nearly peed myself, twice. I couldn't pick anything up, I couldn't scratch any itch... and while my left hand was gorgeous; my poor right hand was a HOT FUCKING MESS.

2. WEARING DRESSES SUCKS - First of all, it’s not easy or breezy, it’s hot as shit under that tent. Second of all I spent all night being stabbed in the ribs with the boning of the dress. AND LAST, everyone can see your back hair.

Sarah also got her mug beat and abused. It looks so bomb.

3. COVERGIRL DOES NOT COVER BOY – I woke up Saturday Morning looking like a sad clown. Eyelashes stuck to my forehead. Mascara Running. Clown Lipstick. And Raccoon eyes. It took me 7 products and 5 facials to remove that shit. Not to mention a whole hour to apply. (Shout out to my LOVE DESI! You Slayed this mug. Beat this face. Conquered the North. You’re Everything, I suggest all my friend check her out HERE!)

4. YOU CANT FEEL YOUR STILLE-TOES – I spent so much time in socks and my heels trying to stretch them out, but there literally is no hope. My toes still feel like they’re broken. Not to mention you can’t run in heels, so when the uber is leaving you… it very well might leave you.

5. THERE IS NO PARTY IN THE POTTY – Did you know that…you can NOT sit on the toilet in a dress? You have to get your big, hairy ass out of the dress - hang it up - and THEN sit butt naked in the men’s bathroom. Luckily I could pee standing, I just had to flip the dress over my head and play blind target practice. This is why they say women don’t poop…

Kaitlin (Another part of my squad) actually got 2nd for her wonder woman! WE dominated!

Looks like wonder woman is about to behead me for winning!

The actual party was a blast. Turns out literally ALL of the group was there, so my FOMO would’ve had seizures had I not gone. Everyone was out for a good time. The McNay was such a fun place to party, because the gardens and the courtyard just made Marilyn feel Rich. And when the costume contest started you best believe the show was on. I was so ready to strut it for the crowd. I had a few Gin & Tonics, and everyone was ready for fun. So I played up my act and ended up winning FIRST PLACE! I never win anything. I was so PUMPED. Not to mention… I thought the prize was going to be something like: Tickets to an exhibit…One free drink….a 50$ gift certificate to your local Art Supply store…BUT NO! The McNay got the McMONEY and hooked me up with an McAPPLE WATCH SERIES 3. It literally has changed my life. Texting and driving just got so much less life threatening.

And get this…at the end of the night I get home…only to realize….I left the damn apple watch…IN THE UBER. Luckily he found it and brought it back to me. But girl…Marilyn was about to die…AGAIN.

SLUTTY DOROTHY - 200$ (COLD, SEXY, CASH)

Saturday, I felt like shit. And I really couldn’t feel my toes. I really wanted to keep it low key. But I didn’t have a costume! The plan was the party at The Hangar…I didn’t know what was going on but I was like OK lets go watch football and I’ll just be something my sister has in her closet of costumes…Here is a list of my sisters costumes in the order I found them: Slutty Ladybug, Sexy cop (With doughnut), slutty Navy Officer, Sexy Lederhosen German Slut, a group of about 10 different color tutus, and Slutty Dorothy. So I looked down at my dog Tipsy and obviously had to pick Slutty Dorothy. (Plus I had the red heels from last night and a brown wig that would go perfect with the costume)

I shall also mention that The Hangar is a sports bar. Full of men, and we went there after the McNay party…so this was the SECOND time I had been a cross dresser at this bar of testosterone and beer. I remember asking for Red Wine…I felt like they were about to spray me with the water hose “WE DON’T SERVE WINE IN THIS BAR” But the crew was all about it, and I had just as much fun with the bartenders as I did with my friends. Plus we go there so often, I know that there are tons of fun people who rock it at the hangar. It’s actually my favorite bar in SA if I’m being honest. So I didn’t care about being a woman. “If this is a man’s world I just want to be a woman in it.”

On to the costume contest…I won…Again. I had been putting on a show all night. Drinking, twerking, and feeling my oats. Everyone was ready for me to strut it PART 2 for the prize and I ended up going home with 200$ cold hard cash. The next day I bought a bike off craigslist and a bike rack and now, out of the weekend… I have come out with no more ideas for Christmas presents for myself.

All of this just makes me so happy. Sunday, I was riding my bike down the street, talking on my apple watch just thinking about how much fun I have had in San Antonio. I love all my friends who support my crazy cross dressing, and all the local bars and businesses (and makeup artist) who helped me have such an amazing weekend. I love you all! We live in crazy time but I think what matters the most right now is lifting spirits (not like demons) and just learning how to come together and laugh at a man in a dress with a hairy back.